


change will come, oh change will come

by literally_jams



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, jim and pam are married, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 03:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8129068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literally_jams/pseuds/literally_jams
Summary: nothing lasts forever. especially not this love.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i also wrote this three months ago and it sucks but enjoy

the internship agency sends ryan to dunder mifflin, a paper company. he expects it to be boring.

what he doesn’t know is that the agency unknowingly threw ryan into a roller coaster, buckled him in and ruined ryan’s life.

ryan walks through the door carrying a leather briefcase, aiming for professional because in this stage of his life, he cares the right amount about his life. he wears a blue button-down and a blue tie and he’s nervous enough to keep himself on his toes but confident enough to smile at the receptionist.

“oh! you’re the new intern, ryan, right?” the woman has light brown hair with highlights and a soft smile and kind eyes.

she seems like ryan’s type--if she didn’t resemble ryan’s mom with the honey sweet expressions and if he was straight. which is he is not. definitely not.

ryan nods and he doesn’t really know how to talk, he isn’t charming or a people person, therefore he doesn’t really know how to ask her name without sounding like he wants to court her in medieval france. “w-what about you?” he stutters. what an idiot.

the woman gives him another smile and answers, “pam.”

“hi, pam.” ryan spots m&ms on her desk. he’s fighting the urge to take one. or five.

pam laughs at him and she says, “they’re for everyone ryan, just take one.”

“s-sorry,” he takes two and pops them in his mouth.

she laughs again. “it’s fine. let me call michael to let him know you’re here.”

ryan nods, not trusting himself to speak.

he looks around the room and he thinks he knows where his seat is and he’s so goddamn screwed if he’s right.

ryan can’t talk to girls and he isn’t even attracted to girls. ryan definitely doesn’t trust himself to talk to boys he likes. in front of him is some guy in a chocolate blazer and a mustard shirt and ryan isn’t a fashionable guy, but he’s sure unless the guy is trying to look like some type of food, he should probably go home and change. also, who the hell eats chocolate and mustard together?

but anyway, the guy next to him will be ryan’s downfall. while the chocolate-and-mustard guy is facing ryan, the other guy is facing ryan’s right and ryan can only see his profile but ryan’s already dead inside.

the other guy kind of looks like a really cute puppy, the way his hair curls at the ends. the mustard guy’s chocolate blazer is like dark chocolate, bitter, dark, rough. the puppy guy’s hair is like milk chocolate, smooth, gentle, beautiful. the puppy guy’s hand is in a fist, propping up his chin as his other hand is on a computer mouse.

there’s an empty desk across from chocolate-and-mustard guy, which lands ryan next to puppy guy and ryan’s gonna suffer if he sits next to this really, really, cute puppy guy.

while ryan is staring at the puppy guy, another man comes out from a room to ryan’s left and grins so widely it makes ryan a little suspicious.

“ryan howard! welcome to dunder mifflin, scranton branch!” the man says quite loudly, stepping closer to ryan. the man says this so loudly that everyone turns to look at ryan, including the puppy guy. whose front face is hotter than his profile. damn.

“t-thank you!” ryan says, a mere whisper compared to the man’s shout. ryan now realizes he doesn’t know the man’s name.

the man is in front of ryan, saying something about orange juice, so ryan looks to pam and he mouths, “is this michael?”

she nods at him.

“ryan!” michael whips around. he’s very energetic for a boss.

“yeah?” ryan looks up.

“you,” michael walks over to the desk across chocolate-and-mustard guy.

 _no_ , ryan thinks.

michael pats the desk. “are going to be sitting here,” he looks to c&m (chocolate-and-mustard, abbreviated, because ryan’s smart.) and says to him, “be nice to ryan, dwight. he’s our new intern.” michael turns to puppy guy. “you too, jim.”

  
jim barely looks away from his computer, and gives michael a thumbs up. ryan was kind of hoping jim would _look_ at him.

“okay.” ryan says, softly, almost to himself. he walks over there with his briefcase that now seems too heavy and he lays it down across the new desk. jim doesn’t look up at him. disappointing.

dwight, though, looks at ryan and says, “listen, temp, i’m the best salesman around and i run a beet farm so don’t even _think_ about doing your stupid little college pranks on me, alright?”

ryan wasn’t thinking about it and he has enough personality to think, _man, i wasn’t even planning on it, but since he told me not to,,,_ “okay.” ryan says.

ryan doesn’t really have anything in his briefcase, he didn’t really know what to bring. he has a few pens, some gum, and….yeah. that’s about it. he probably could have gone without it.

he hears a snort to his left and thinks it’s jim, so ryan looks at him. jim is looking at his briefcase and smiling and ryan’s thoughts are just memes so all he thinks is, _me: @god, are you seeing this shit?_  

“you brought a new leather briefcase just to bring five pens that are different colors and brands and two packs of trident gum?” jim is looking at ryan and ryan doesn’t really have a response but jim’s eyes are a really pretty shade of green, like evergreen tree green and like the goblet of fire book cover green.

ryan almost says the thing about jim’s eyes but instead he says, “how do you know it’s new?”

jim smiles and it’s like ryan’s been sitting in the dark for a week and someone shined a flashlight in his eyes. “scratchless.”

ryan picks up a paper clip from jim’s desk and makes a small, diagonal scratch. he looks up at jim innocently.

jim laughs and ryan could hear it over and over again and he would never get sick of it. “now it’s all old, ryan. you have to get a new one now.”

the way jim says ryan’s name is intoxicating to jim and ryan loves first times because they give him a feeling he hasn’t experienced before with a person and cancel that thought, ryan doesn’t even think he loves first times. he just loves jim.

ryan sits down and opens a pack of peppermint swirl gum. “want one?” he offers to jim. he’d offer his heart to jim. _whoa, ry, it’s been two minutes. stop being so gay all the time._ he thinks to himself.

“sure,” jim opens his mouth and ryan gets the message, but not before thinking about something bad.

ryan opens a piece of gum, aims, and throws it gently at jim.

jim catches it in his mouth and starts chewing and ryan’s thought is only, _current occupation: death & all its friends._

ryan starts chewing on his own gum and sits down and finally starts to work.

he only stares at jim for ten seconds every three minutes for the day.

at the end of the day, ryan smiles at jim and tells him to have a good night and jim smiles back at him.

_day one: success._

kelly is fond of him. it’s been five days and kelly’s made ryan her best friend and right now, they’re sitting in the break room.

“oh my god, ryan! you’re like, my gbf!” she says, after she asked the girls ryan liked and ryan said he liked boys.

“so you’re like, my sbf,” he says, taking a sip of coffee.

“yeah!” kelly is the most enthusiastic person ryan’s ever known. “well, what _boys_ do you like?”

ryan should have expected it but his eyes go wide and he looks down at his doritos and his face is almost as red as the bag of doritos. “um, about that,” he says, softly.

“is it someone in this office?” kelly presses. she can’t really take a hint. being subtle isn’t her strong spot, but ryan guesses she can keep a secret.

ryan doesn’t answer but he goes redder.

“oh my god!” kelly yelps after taking a bite of her salad. “is it andy?”

ryan looks up at her and he says, “i mean like, he’s cute, and he has the entire music thing going on which is kinda hot but, um, i don’t really like him.”

“right? his fashion taste is alright but there’s something about him that is a huge turn-off.”

ryan grins at her and says, “yeah!”

“is it,” kelly pauses. “darryl?”

“oh my god, stop.” he laughs.

“well, you have to tell me!” her eyes light up and ryan decides he’ll keep her around. seems like a good friend.

“it’s fun to keep you guessing.” he smiles.

“will you tell me if i’m right?”

“depends if you guess the person right.”

“jim?”

ryan would think of a lie if the only thing in his mind wasn’t the ‘shit waddup’ from a stupid frog video. “um, about that,” he looks down again, apparently eating doritos require all his attention.

“you totally like jim!” kelly says loudly.

ryan looks around but no one is there. “say it any louder, will you?” he retorts.

“sorry,” she quiets down and ryan gives her a smile because he isn’t _that_ mean.

“don’t tell anyone.” ryan goes red again.

“of course not!” her face drops a little. “but, ryan, you know he’s in love with pam, right?”

no, ryan did not know that. it’s his fifth day, what do you expect from him? “um, yeah.” he answers. ryan likes a straight guy. typical.

“i’m rooting for jyan, though!” kelly interrupts ryan’s train of thought.

“jyan?” he questions, a smile on his lips.

“jim and ryan!” she laughs.

“thanks, kelly.”

_day five: good. really good._

  
valentine’s day and kelly boosts his ego and ryan buys flowers.

he buys a bouquet dark red carnations because kelly said they mean deep love and yeah, that’s what ryan feels for jim.

ryan feels light and airy and confident and maybe jim will reject him but he pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind. today is for love and confessions and for _jim_.

he plans to bring them out during the valentine’s day party and so the carnations are hiding with kelly.

ryan spends most of the day listening to music and bouncing his leg and smiling and looking at jim. he can feel it in his bones, today is going to be good.

when the party comes around and kelly hands ryan the flowers and then the anxiety and nervousness kicks in.

“kelly, kelly, kelly, what if he says no, what if he laughs?” ryan says quickly, pacing back and forth in the kitchen.

“ry, come on, he’ll say yes!” kelly knows he won’t but she thinks maybe if ryan says something to jim then he can get over jim?

“okay, okay, okay, flowers, jim, date, i’m golden.” ryan runs a hand through his hair.

  
“golden, howard, golden. go get him.” kelly reassures and ryan bolts out the kitchen and kelly follows him.

ryan walks into the conference room with flowers in his hand and no one pays attention to him.

he spots jim with gabe and _god_ , if he was with pam, ryan would have had to zayn.

“jim!” ryan says. this is all impulse and nerves and come on howard, you got this.

jim turns around, not recognizing ryan’s voice. “oh, hey ryan.” he says, casually. jim spots the flowers. “who are these for? need help asking out a girl?”

ryan ignores his mind going _whoa whoa, ask a girl out?_ and he says, “these are for you!”

“me?” jim looks amused and ryan doesn’t know how to feel.

“y-yeah! will you go out with me?” ryan grins and he did it and he feels so _proud_. “i mean, i like you a lot and i think you’re really cute and stuff and i’ve kind of been in love with you since the day i saw you.”

jim laughs at ryan and ryan would love it if---if jim wasn’t laughing at ryan. “sorry--i just, you like, you like me?” jim snorts.

ryan’s mind goes to oh shit mode and his face drops. “y-yeah?” the adrenaline is all gone now and ryan’s heart is breaking as jim laughs and ryan is so, so scared.

“ryan,” jim says in between laughs. he finds this hilarious and ryan has put his heart on the line and jim is tearing his heart. “im,” jim wipes a tear from his face. “im not gay, ryan!”

ryan feels like nothing is real except jim laughing at him and now he sees oscar and pam and kelly and michael and everyone else _staring_ at them and the only solution ryan can think of is to run.

so he does. ryan drops the flowers and runs outside and his face is burning and his heart is in shreds and jim _laughed_ at him and his love. “idiot!” ryan screams at himself.

ryan is hurt and angry and ryan’s stupid for thinking he had a chance with jim and jim maybe could have left him down softly but jim dropped ryan on concrete and left ryan to pick up the pieces of his glass body and ryan will always be incomplete because jim took a piece of ryan with him when he left ryan.

_day three hundred seventy: could not get worse._

the office finds out pam and jim have been dating secretly, and ryan stares into the camera. if he was already in hell, he just dug deeper.

everyone saw it coming. phyllis and andy are talking to them about details and the rest don’t really care and kelly gives ryan a sad look. ryan shrugs and goes outside.

he doesn’t know what he’s doing or feeling or anything. he’s in love with jim, this is evident. he’s in love with jim’s eyes and his smile and his kindness and his sense of humor and he’s so, so in love with jim. jim doesn’t notice him and they aren’t even friends. they’re just coworkers and it hurts.

pam is one of his best friends and she listens to him talk about spencer, who is ryan’s made up name for jim because sometimes kelly is out and he really just needs someone and his college friends are slabs of meat without a brain.

he feels so numb. he should have seen it coming, it’s not like it’s a surprise and they were meant to be and who is ryan to be jealous?

he doesn’t want to cry or scream or tell jim anything, he just kind of wants the world to stop for a little bit so ryan can catch his breath and think for a bit.

he’s sure no one noticed him slipping out when they’re all doting on jim and pam and he thinks kelly knows when to leave him alone.

ryan looks at the sky and the streets and everything and he’s sad but what else is new? sooner or later his thoughts get the best of him and he finds himself laying on the concrete. _stupid, stupid, stupid. he doesn't love you. you gave him your heart and he stepped on it. you don’t deserve it, you don’t deserve him, none of them care about you, you don’t matter, you never have and you never will, stupid, stupid, stupid._

his only response is, _i know_. sometimes he gets like this and it’s not good for anyone but it’s not like anyone knows. ryan hears footsteps and at this point he doesn’t really care. over four years, the amount of how much he cares has decreased so extremely that he could be run over and he wouldn’t care.

“i got fries at a&w’s.” a voice says and it’s high-pitched enough for ryan to know it’s kelly.

“you’re an angel.” ryan says, still on the concrete.

kelly sits down next to him and opens the bag. “i know.”

ryan sits up and lays his head on kelly’s shoulder and she wraps an arm around him. “what’s happening up there?”

“nothing, everyone’s just working.”

“did jim notice i was gone?” ryan is so desperate and pleading and he knows it but he can’t help it.

“honey, don’t even think about him.” kelly dips a fry in barbeque sauce.

“so he didn’t.” what else does he expect?

kelly sighs. “he’s been just looking at pam all the time.”

“like i do to him?”

“yeah.” then she adds, “what about you? how are you feeling?”

ryan tries to shrug. “i saw it coming but it still hurts and i’m stupid and i’m not even his friend, so it’s not like i matter to him.” ryan’s done brooding for the day, so he adds on, “talk to me about something else.”

“i thought you’d never ask!” she says, happily. “so taylor swift released a new…”

ryan and kelly sit out there for a while, talking about taylor swift and eating fries.

_day one thousand, four hundred seventy-two: terrible._

ryan turns his sadness into bitterness and hate and it’s disgusting and awful but he does it anyway.

right now, ryan is outside a church in new york, gift box in his hand, waiting in line to get into jim and pam’s wedding.

he wouldn’t have gone, would have told michael he was busy, but ryan hates himself and loves to be in constant pain, so he goes.

he brought them five pounds pastel blue and purple personalized m&ms with ‘j’ or ‘p’ on them. he goes all out because what else does he have to lose? the m&ms are in a glass jar and he bought them a teddy bear that says, “congrats, you’re married!”

an uncomfortable feeling settles in his stomach when he sets down the jar and bear on the table for gifts and goes to the pews to sit down. he sits next to kelly because she’s the only emotional support he has and even his own body has given up.

ryan is still in love with jim. he’s still hurting, still aching, still bitter. it’s funny, in a way, six years ago, ryan was aiming to be a better person and he cared so much about himself and his health, and he was happy and okay. right now, he’s bitter to protect himself from people trying to break him, he is in love with a man getting married, he’s given up and hope is overrated, he thinks. dying and suffering is more relatable.

when jim says his vows, ryan is stuck between crying and setting himself on fire. jim never pays any attention to ryan and he feels so much for pam and ryan loves jim as much as jim loves pam.

at the end of the reception, when jim kisses pam, ryan wants to tear his eyes away but destruction and hurting seems so much more fun when he’s the one doing it to himself. if ryan six years ago saw ryan now, six-years-ago ryan wouldn’t even recognize now-ryan as the same person.

when they all sit down to eat and chat, apparently no one’s forgotten that time when ryan asked out jim and jim _destroyed_ him, so they all give ryan apologetic looks and words of comfort. ryan would try to say that he didn’t need sympathy but he’d be lying. ryan needs sympathy so, so much. ryan feeds off of the attention jim never gave to him.

jim and pam open wedding gifts and they get to ryan’s. everyone remembers ryan’s failed attempt to ask jim out except for jim. when they open the jar of m&ms, they look for ryan and grin at him.

ryan smiles back weakly. he watches them dote on the letters of the m&ms and they feed each other the ones that have the other’s name on it. ryan feels sick and sad and numb.

ryan would say he hasn’t felt anything positive but that’s a lie. ryan’s felt okay and good and happy when he goes out with his friends partying, or when kelly comes over to watch a movie and in the details, when he’s with other people, he’s okay. when he is alone in the dark, everything dark in him starts to come out and ryan would say he’s scared and he would cry but he’s used to it. he laughs them off and tells them what they want to hear from him.

ryan picks his food with his fork and he’s just kind of staring into the void until kelly kicks him under the table. ryan looks at her.

“you okay?” she mouths, looking concerned. ryan doesn’t think he’d be here if it weren’t for kelly.

ryan snorts. “fine and dandy.” he says, out loud.

“you wanna talk about it at my place?”

“a&w’s?” sure, he’ll probably cry at a&w’s but whatever.

“okay.”

they leave an hour later to go to a&w’s and ryan dumps everything he’s been thinking and surprisingly, he isn’t crying.

“babe, you’ll find someone better.” kelly grins. “besides, you’re a catch. jim’s an idiot to turn you down.

ryan manages to smile at her. and yeah, she’s right. maybe he’ll find someone but he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget jim halpert. jim and ryan could have been big, bright, beautiful and maybe there’s a universe where they do end up together. maybe they end up together in all the universes except for this one. that’s okay, ryan thinks. one sacrifice for the happiness of hundreds of others. it’ll be worth it.

_day one thousand eight hundred forty one: potential._

 


End file.
